Oh Hell - Another Identity Crisis

From the lack, and random assortment, of postings you've seen on this blog in the last month or so, you may have figured out that I'm currently in the middle of what some people call an "identity crisis." An identity crisis is a moment in ones life when one is uncertain about his- or her-SELF due to a change in aims or role in society. As a mostly-broke professional who must practically flaunt herself daily to find ways of making money while still trying to hold on to some level of integrity and "artistic" expression... who is young, inexperienced in her new career, alone most days, cute (just to throw that in there) and locked in a sunless basement apartment... a change of aims is so common that a regular identity crisis is practically fucking guaranteed.

Am I jobless or not? Am I a selfless journalist or an ego centric? Am I a writer or a filmmaker? Should I go back to programming or stick with production? Is my favorite movie Chinatown or Wings of Desire?

I've heard that certain individuals who function well in a state of chaos will... um... seek trouble. But when I think of life in that unhappy job, I can't believe leaving it was more destructive than staying, or that change is a bad, or that learning to be myself and comfortable with it isn't necessary, just because it can really suck to feel so confused and to be poor. It's just temporary, after-all. But long-term temporary, no doubt.

Unfinished Business

Maybe it's the three coffee's I had today talking, but I feel like total crap, like I can't get anything done lately. Exhibit A above: The table I was stripping last week until it rained for 40 days. I'm guessing my foul mood has something to do with going into work today, combined with the paradox of a fast approaching state of being broke. When it takes at least two weeks for the work your doing to equate to cash, or of course months or NEVER as with many of my projects, today can seem like a total beast. If I were feeling at all like being positive, I guess I would say I just have to wait out the couple of weeks until I'll be sitting pretty again with a little wad in my pocket and the adventurous twinkle back in my eye. Yeah, well... it sure as hell better be that way.

Hiking in Pennsylvania, Talking Movies, Being Broke

I haven't been out on a hike since The Slog, and although I was feeling a bit hung over from 10 hours of tailgating and some other aches I won't bother to mention here, I am so glad I didn't wimp out and take a nap instead.

Nature, especially on the rare perfect fall day, is so charging. It's kind of like a dip in a cold river, or maybe similar to a cat who's been dumped in a bath--That "I'm awake, okay!" feeling down to the bones. Good days don't like to be ignored.

Anyway, it was a good walk. I also had a chat about "freelancing" with a new friend and the ways to keep from feeling like a complete loser without work or money. She like several others I know also had a great freelance setup after a slow start; but she now has to start over again in a new state. If someone can do this twice, I might have the slightest chance of making it, kids!

Did you know you could send more than one movie back to Netflix at a time in the same envelope??

The Truth about Being Jobless

I know being jobless may seem like fun and games but, really, it’s not. It takes hard work and dedication and must absorb one’s every waking moment and many sleepless ones as well. To be a true vagabond and tell the man to kiss it, and to live “fully”—whatever you hope that to be—without lame bosses and office coma… one must make money. What’s that? Make money to stay jobless? Like I said, it’s not easy. It’s complicated.

Let me get very real with you. The first few days of freedom, roaming the untroubled streets at noon, no deadline, no stabbing neck pain you swear the crazy boss has cursed you with, you’ll feel empowered and intelligent and sophisticated. Fearlessness is in the sun-filled air, and you are a tiger, no, a lion in Africa, king of the jungle and ruler of your goddamn territory and your own goddamn time for once!

You feel good. You want to look good. And you have some time on your hands and don’t really know what else to do since you don’t want to start looking for jobs already and ruin this beautiful moment. So maybe you shop. I shopped.

Looking back, I’m shocked with myself for spending like I did—though I love the green wool dress, the long black overcoat with super cute short sleeves, the “power” black bag I need for my next “power” lunch. I’ll be honest with you. I felt a little out of control and it is sooo soothing to shop, you know? I shopped to feel better, and to fill the void that money and security were leaving behind. I shopped because I was running out of money--I know... it’s totally twisted. I have dreams about shopping when I’m stressed, did you know that? I know psychologists will throw out some bullshit about filling voids and the dangers. Forget all that crap and just don’t buy things like I did. And avoid craigslist AT ALL COSTS when you have time and a new apartment. That junk will turn you into a zombie.

Although I joke about never working again, the truth is that I want not one job, but job-SSS. What do I mean? I’m what people in my profession call “freelance.” I work to make money for a couple of weeks, with new people on new projects, maybe learn something new and get a little perspective. I have more control over the terms and of my time. I’m self-employed. (Which is to say I’m jobless most days.)

Since I'm doing these little jobs instead of one big one, I’m finding myself ridiculously busy and still fucking broke. But that's suppose to change. This is what I mean when I’m talking about the complicated part of it.

Everyone has their own path, and some jobless folks are really just looking for the next full-time, everyday job that they’ll be in for the next century or whatever. Part of me wants to say, “That’s easy!” Full-time jobs are everywhere and you just have to get ONE and you’re set for ages without having to go through the resume and interview crap again. But that’s not fair, and probably not true. It’s hard finding the job you really want to stay at for a century, getting the twisted boss not to hate you and actually hire you, and that takes work.

All that said, here’s why I chose this route: To work at café’s with good coffee, to take walks during the day because it helps clear the mind, to be more creative, to be more challenged and to keep from having a stress stroke at the age of 30. Most of all, to start doing NOW what I want to do, and know I can do, rather than follow an ancient system in cozy snail pace that might let me do something real in 5 years.

So I’m very busy. Looking for jobs is much more work than having one, I think. In case you want to do the same, I’ll tell you all about it.